Ah, the Grammys. The one night out of the year the music industry can really pat itself on the back. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m sure they do that on plenty of other nights. Meanwhile, I’ll be kicking off this new Express blog by typing my reactions as they happen live. I apologize in advance.
7:00 – Professional weirdo Lady Gaga looks like she teleported from space to perform tonight. I think she’ll be remembered as this generation’s Madonna. Her songs are more infectious than H1N1 and she basically does whatever she wants with her music and style.
7:03 – Elton John is now joining Gaga. They definitely both look like they’ve been working on cars all day. Their faces are smudged with some kind of motor oil. I don’t get it but whatever.
7:07 – Stephen Colbert is killing it. If I brought my daughter to the show, I’d prevent Katy Perry from trying to kiss her at any cost. I wouldn’t want her catching mediocre germs.
7:12 – Song of the year: “Put A Ring on It” by Beyonce.
7:13 – According to Jennifer Lopez, Green Day’s 2004 “American Idiot” is a punk masterpiece “from the beginning.” J.Lo apparently never heard the Clash’s “London Calling,” Black Flag’s “Damaged” or Bad Religion’s “Suffer.”
7:16 – Rock Band: Green Day was announced recently. I wonder if you get to play as the second guitarist who hides off to the side of the stage. Maybe there’s a level where you plaster your face in eyeliner in a last-ditch effort to stay relevant. The Green Day musical is about as entertaining as the crippling sinus pain I dealt with a few days ago.
7:25 – Can I just vote for Bon Jovi to retire?
7:26 – Taylor Swift, I’m really happy for you. I’ll let you finish. Congrats.
7:32 – Beyonce performing an Alanis Morrisette song. This must be some kind of strange dream.
7:43 – I’m waiting for Pink to vomit from all the high-flying spinning in her act. I’m really afraid of heights so I’m getting queasy just watching this from my couch.
7:45 – Does Pink have to run an obstacle course now?
7:55 – The Black Eyed Peas bum me out. Will.I.Am looks ready for his Slipknot audition and Fergie is dressed like a post-apocalyptic Orange County housewife with that visor. How was it a good idea for them to perform after Beyonce?
8:18 – There was a solid list of nominees this year for Record of the Year. I’m glad a straightforward rock band like Kings of Leon won.
8:21 – Jamie Foxx knows how to sing. Why is he using auto tune? Auto tune was invented for people who don’t know how to sing … like Blink-182. I’ll take a human’s voice over a synthesizer any day. Call me old fashioned.
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8:40 – The Zac Brown Band sure can sing. Holy crap.
8:47 – The pairing of Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks makes perfect sense. I really think Swift will become as prolific as Nicks. Probably with less mumbling,though.
8:53 – I’m not wearing 3D glasses, so this Michael Jackson thing is freaking me out a little bit. I feel like I’m not wearing any. I will say that it’s absolutely hilarious to see all these superstars wearing their cheap, flimsy 3D glasses.
9:17 – Is “I’m On A Boat” really nominated for a Grammy? Is this more of my strange, Beyonce singing Alanis Morrisette dream?
9:18 – Who the hell is this little kid? Did Rihanna and Jay-Z just find him somewhere? Is he a surrogate for Kanye? So many questions to be answered before “Lost” ends.
9:26 – It’s really cool to see what all sorts of bands and artists are doing for Haitian relief, especially if Mary J. Blige is on the track. People will buy anything with her on it, and for good reason.
9:41 – Once the Dave Matthews Band started playing, I heard the patter of millions of hackey sacks dropping to the ground as frat dudes run back to their televisions to listen.
9:47 – Beyonce just won Female Pop Vocal Performance. She and Taylor Swift are in a Grammy race, just as I predicted.
10:03 – I’d really hate to sit behind Lady Gaga at this sort of thing.
10:11 – Quentin Tarantino should stick to directing and stay as far away from presenting as possible.
10:16 -– O.K., for real. No more auto-tune. Please. I would go to jail for a year if it meant auto-tune couldn’t be used any more.
10:23 – I expected Beyonce to win Album of the Year, but good for Taylor Swift.
Final thoughts: Overall, I’m pleased with the way the show turned out. Good artists were awarded statues and almost everyone put on a great performance. The theme of the evening seemed to be pairing the young with the old: Lady Gaga with Elton John, Taylor Swift with Stevie Nicks and Jamie Foxx and T-Pain with Doug E. Fresh. I think it’s interesting since the recording industry might have an easy time picking artists that speak to young fans but have trouble adapting to how these young fans consume music. We’ll just have to see the state of the industry at next year’s show.
For a complete list of winners, check out grammy.com.
