Johnny Casino
Guest Writer
Photos by Jason Pierce
An unassuming 20-year-old college student wields the First Amendment’s right to free speech in a very witty way — on the nights he’s not making pizzas.
Meet the comedian who former Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange described in a tweet as, “Smart. Funny. Might be my kid!” Parker Newman, a City College theater arts major.
Newman talks about how exactly the connection between Lange and him was made.
“Well, we look alike, so I tweeted at him, ‘How’s it going, Dad?’” to which Lange replied in the aforementioned tweet. A kinship of humorous minds was made. “He retweeted my joke and said if I DMed him my number, he’d call me.”
Newman is smiling and bright-eyed at the memory.
“We talked like the next day,” he says. “I was on the phone with him for about 17 minutes, 20 seconds.”
Newman stops to chuckle at his fanboy moment before mentioning the big boy moment in his conversation with Lange.
“He offered to fly me out to New York over the summer to do a show. I just have to give him the date,” says Newman, shaking his head before he utters his final words on his brush with celebrity. “I just got lucky, honestly.”
High praise from Artie Lange, one of the industry’s longest standing funny men, but also from Newman’s friends.
Newman has been doing stand-up comedy for over a year now and has made quite an impression on his fellow comedians in the region. All of them seem to have a similar opinion of his talent, but a unique perspective on the man.
Joey Stults, 33, a Sacramento native, stand-up comedian and former City College student, shared his first impression of Newman: “I thought he was retarded.”
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“He was bumbling and stumbling onstage and around his jokes and premises, but it was all hilarious,” says local comedian David Shapiro when he first time watched Newman’s stand-up. “He has a license to be offensive and somehow he gets away with it.”
Therein lies the shared conundrum of Newman’s persona for his friends and fans. “I thought it was a brilliant act. It was just Parker being Parker,” Shapiro says.
Robert Berry, headlining comedian, hosts the traveling Moxie Crush Comedy and Burlesque Show and is a beloved open-mike host in the Sacramento region.
“Parker already has an identity, which is something that new comedians struggle hard to get,” says Berry, who believes that Newman comes into his own in front of an audience by embodying the loveable-loser personality. “His material is rough, perverted, clever, full of great misdirection and insight that I’d expect to hear from a more seasoned comedian.”
Standing close to 5 1⁄2 feet tall with short, dark curly hair, Newman is hanging out by the campus fountain one day in April, workshopping a new joke about being stuck in an elevator. He has a genuine smile on his face and wears a Dead Kennedys T-shirt. He’s a stand-up comedian, but he’s also a college student and a part-time pizza parlor worker. Until recently, Newman was a member of local metal band 20K Pounds of Roadkill.
“Some opportunities in comedy came up so I’m trying to write a lot more,” he says of quitting the band. “I was trying to do vocals, and it hurt my throat too much.”
School might get in the way of these comedic opportunities, too, so Newman knows he has to take a sabbatical from academia. After all, a career in comedy is calling. Luck is part of it, but certainly talent is too. Newman’s comedy consumption has been a mix of excellent talents.
“I grew up watching Chris Rock a lot, also Jim Jefferies, Matt Braunger,” he says. “I love Bill Burr, Doug Stanhope and Artie Lange, of course. Oh yeah, and Kyle Kinane for sure.”
But those aren’t the only influences in Newman’s life.
“My mom’s actually really funny, so just joking around with her and the friends I grew up with, I love making them laugh,” says Newman, who was raised in Sacramento.
“Up until the fifth grade I never did anything, pretty much I just watched TV,” says Newman, “until I turned 10 or 11. Then I started getting more friends and just sort of played wall ball.” Newman pauses before continuing.
“I don’t know if that’s a real game,” he says through laughter.
Humor is one of those qualities that make people attractive, but like any muscle, you have to work on it. That sometimes means sacrificing today for tomorrow — in all things.
“I’ve kinda given up on romance, which is the sad part actually,” laments Newman, who has a plan for solving that. “I don’t think I’ll find love or a girlfriend unless I get super good at comedy. But then it’s going to be for my money, which is cool.”
Parker Newman displays a charming personality and thoughtfulness that is rare in most men his age. He exudes a creative work ethic that seems to flow freely from whatever comedic well spring he pulls.
Before Newman left for a writing session with friends, he offered up what his catch phrase might be: “Probably just me stuttering just, ‘Uh, uh, juh, uh.’”
